Saturday, January 17, 2015

The Beginning

Hello all,
     As some of you may know this is my second blog. My first one was kind of a failure, but I have a good feeling about this one because it is more personal, therefore easier to write. I am writing this blog for 2 reasons. Reason 1 being a way to vent, reason 2 I'm writing it so maybe it can be a way to make others who may be going through a similar situation feel like they are not alone.

     To begin I will share what has been going on to bring me to this point. For the past year my life there have been many changes. Especially within the past 4 months where my life has taken a 180 and flipped upside down in a short amount of time. After graduating nursing school in May 2014, and passing the NCLEX (the National Exam to give nurses their licenses) I struggled finding a job. I wanted to work in a hospital to get my experience but very few hospitals were hiring the new graduates. I was fortunate enough that I landed a summer camp job that financially held me over until September, but even then it wasn't quite enough.

     September is when things hit the fan. I had applied to a job in Morgantown, West Virginia in August. I got the interview, then I landed the job at the end of the month. I was hired as a RN on a Cardiac Step-Down Unit, which was so unbelievable and I still am grateful for that opportunity. However, I moved over 700 miles away from friends and family with my only $2000 I had to borrow from family. I packed everything up and moved within 2 weeks of learning I got the job. I didn't even have an apartment lined up and I lived in a hotel for about a week before I was able to find a place to live.

    I moved down here with my (now ex) fiance who also dropped everything to be down here with me. Things were so very difficult the first 2 months. Financially we had to make the left over $1000 last for nearly a month because I wasn't getting paid for quite some time. Even when I did receive my first pay check which was around $500 and I had to make that last for 2 weeks, when we had groceries to buy, a power bill to pay, and internet bill, a water bill, etc. To make matters even more stressful, during this time I was the sole income, what I made was what we had.

     During this same time not only was there financial stress, but I was extremely emotionally and mentally distraught. Work was starting to get more difficult and stressful and I was getting so mad at myself for not having the knowledge of a nurse who had been practicing for 30 years. I simply hated the fact I felt like I had no idea what I was doing, I felt like I was disappointing my mentors, and all that pressure I put on myself, drove me into a depression to the point I wanted to kill myself.

     I was miles away from anything I knew, dealing with things I wasn't prepared for and I felt so incredibly useless, worthless, and weak, and I wanted my life to end to make the pain go away. My suicide ideation lasted for about a month before I finally went to the emergency room followed by a two night stay at a psych ward. I was finally diagnosed with the depression that I had felt off an on for over a year. I have to admit that was such a weight off my shoulders, knowing that someone took it seriously and understood that I was not okay. I started medication the first day I was at the psych unit. I also set up counseling appointments so I could continue to get help that I need.

    Once my depression was under control my anxiety spiked, work started making me more anxious than I have ever been. Taking on the responsibility of someone's life was and continues to be quite challenging. To this day, I continuously fear that something horrendous will happen and someone will be harmed or even killed because of a mistake I could make.    
     
    Fast forward a few more months, to now. I have started to get the hang of work now that I work overnights and don't have someone watching me. Financially, things have certainly improved because of budgeting, consistent pay, and my ex-fiance has been working as well. But now, I am faced with yet another challenge. After almost 3 years and a year long engagement my fiance and I are breaking up. He's going back to Maine and I am staying in West Virginia, completely and utterly alone. I have no friends down here, I have no family. I have coworkers and that's about it.
   
     For some, making friends is a piece of cake, for others, like myself, it's more difficult. I don't want to reach out to people for fear of being rejected, or judged, or whatever. I have a hard time letting people in. I want to, but I'm scared. I'm scared of being hurt; it's as simple as that. Could I work on that, of course, and I will. I will try a little bit everyday to allow people into my life while I am down here. Finding friends is not the only thing I need to do, I need to find my happiness and my peace.

   This is where the journey to finding me begins...

           

3 comments:

  1. I just wrote whole long thing and I don't know where it went but it was good. In a nutshell, it was, you are my namesake and a lot like me. You are strong and you will survive. Put your ducks up on the shelf for now and just make a day at a time work for you now. Auntie said sometimes we have to lose ourselves before we can find ourselves. Your support team is always just a phone call away. We all love you more than you can even imagine.

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    1. Thank you, Grammie! I love you so much!! <3

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  2. I'm proud of you for having the courage to share this and not be apologetic about it. You are a rock star and be that way always. :)

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